Star Trek: The Smallville Nightmare
by rosenbaumgirl23
Summary: *DS9 chapter UP* My first real parody; I hope it isn't awful. Smallville/ST Voyager/Nightmare on Elm Street crossover. References to slash.
1. Default Chapter

Star Trek: The Smallville Nightmare--Part One  
  
Couple(s): Um, there isn't much shipperness  
  
Rating: PG-13 for some minor violence and usage of the word 'bloody'.  
  
Disclaimer: Everything but the plot belongs to someone other than me. *Smallville* belongs to Gough/Millar, the WB, DC Comics and other people who aren't me; *Voyager* belongs to Brannon Braga and Gene Roddenberry; Freddy belongs to New Line Cinema, Wes Craven, and Robert Englund. The travesty that is *Enterprise* belongs, again, to Brannon Braga and Ron D. Moore. 'The Breakfast Club' and all related references belong to John Hughes.  
  
Author's Note: This is a strange parody I thought up after realizing the parallels between several Smallville characters and those of the Star Trek Universe. I added Freddy because, otherwise, the plot would make less sense than it already does. Neither myself or one of my Mary Sues makes an appearance, I promise.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Freddy Krueger was in Hell, literally. "It certainly lives up to its reputation," he muttered to himself as he grudgingly shoved stuffed animals and picture books on their respective shelves. Upon entering the Dark Place- -after dying for the seventh time--he was given a choice: *Enterprise* reruns for all of eternity, or being a preschool teacher.  
  
He went for the latter, assuming he could kill off the students if they got whiney and if he got too bored. (Not to mention the fact that he knew *Enterprise* sucks.) When the first boy began to sob during story time--was it Freddy's fault that the kid didn't enjoy Steven King's *It*?--he grinned evilly and tried to slice the child's throat with the knives on his right hand. Several things happened when he did so: the knives turned into plastic toys then completely vanished, and something searingly hot stabbed him in the face.  
  
"Bloody heck!" he screamed, when the third degree burns he'd already suffered were made even deeper. "Okay, I get it. I don't get my weapons, and I can't hurt anyone. Do I have any freedom?"  
  
A booming voice from somewhere above him intoned, "Of course not, you moron! This is *Hell*, for crying out loud! Would you rather sit through millennia of *Enterprise*? Hmm?"  
  
The former villain whimpered. "Okay, okay. I'll behave."  
  
There was a sudden flash of purple smoke and the school disappeared. Freddy breathed a sigh of relief; if he saw one more Barbie doll-- "Krueger! How *marvelous* to see you. My name's Q--Omnipotent Being and Universal Pest. I took control of this domain for a few hours. I can do that, ya know." He looked extremely proud of himself, straightening the twenty-fourth century judge's robes in which he was clad.  
  
"You don't do anything halfway, do you? I've heard of you, by the way," Krueger said warily, suddenly aware that he was floating in outer space; a fact that had escaped him before. "Dude, I'm floating. This is so much cooler than when I was terrorizing kids on Elm Street!"  
  
Q rolled his eyes and sighed. "Amateur. Anyway, I need your help. Want to get out of this joint for a while?"  
  
"Heck, yes," was the overzealous response. "Where are we going?"  
  
The omnipotent alien's eyes lit up. "Fantastic. Have you heard of a little Kansas town called Smallville?"  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Whitless, er, *Whitney* Fordman--blonde jock, brain dead moron, and the dullest boy to ever attend Smallville High--closed his eyes and stretched out across his bed. "Going to school, being worshipped by everyone, pretending to give a darn about my clueless girlfriend's dead parents, and being rude to Kent are fulltime jobs; I'm so tired. I wish my good-for- nothing, trampy, ex-cheerleader girlfriend was here to kiss me goodnight." Without another word to himself, he was fast asleep, snoring and drooling.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Lex Luthor turned to his companion, eyes wide. "Clark, do you have any idea where we are?" They were surrounded by consoles and a huge view screen, which revealed that they were in outer space. "One second I was in bed with some foreign chick, the next second I was here with you."  
  
Clark tugged on a lock of his curly brown hair nervously. "I wanna go home to mommy," he whispered, staring sadly at his bald friend. "Hold me, Lex, I'm scared." Instead of simply hugging the high school student, Lex kissed him fiercely.  
  
"Well, you must be Lex Luthor and Clark Kent. I'd recognize your bald head anywhere, Lex," a fair-haired, blue-eyed man wearing a red uniform said cheerfully, startling the pair. "My name's Tom Paris, resident Lady Killer. I fly this baby, though she could really fly herself; I'm just here 'cause I'm bloody sexy."  
  
Lex stared at the pilot, looking him up and down expertly. "Hello. Do you know where the babes and/or underage high school boys are? If not, can my father--known to most as 'M.B.'--and I backstab you for a ton of money? He may be the world's biggest pig, but he's bloody good at hurting people."  
  
Tom motioned toward the ship's turbolift. "Go to the second deck and ask where the holodeck is. You can have as many babes and/or innocent boys as you want all at once."  
  
With a nod and a wide grin, Lex hurried to the 'lift, leaving Clark alone with the enigmatic sleazeball. "How'd you know who I was?" he whispered, gazing at Tom in awe.  
  
The sandy-haired man smirked. "C'mon, you're the only guy Lex would ever try to make out with. Besides, everyone knows the future Superman."  
  
The boy wrinkled his nose. "'Superman'? Isn't that the name Chloe came up with when Eric stole.." He trailed off, not wanting to confess his Really Important Secret to a stranger.  
  
"That was 'Superboy'. I guess your mommy hasn't made you that suit yet. Don't tell anyone I told ya!" After thinking for a moment, Tom disappeared in the direction Lex had gone; Clark started to cry at the mention of Martha Kent.  
  
"Mommy!"  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Kathryn Janeway frowned at the blonde girl that stood, helplessly, in front of her desk. "Who are you and what are you doing on my ship? Are you working for Q--that sexy, omnipotent you-know-what? If you are, where is he? I might reconsider having his kids, since I've been without love for seven years and my First Officer isn't exactly husband-material. He's too busy with his legends and his not-so-secret affair with Seven." She made a face and gulped down more of the coffee in her bottomless mug.  
  
Chloe Sullivan licked her lips and drooled. "Is that *coffee*?" She took a step closer to the red-haired captain.  
  
"GET BACK!" Kathryn shrieked, her hair standing on end. "This is *my* coffee! And look what you did to my hair!" She banged her fist on her huge desk. "Damn Mark for dumping me, damn Chakotay for falling for the bimbo, damn Q for not showing up anymore!"  
  
Always desperate to investigate a story, Chloe whipped out the notebook from her pants pocket and pulled the pen out from behind her ear. "I don't know why I'm here, but I think Clark has something to do with it; sexy, little Clark with his pouty lips and his big blue eyes. If not him, then Sexy Lexy brought me here. I may hate him, but he's sure sexy as heck!" She thought for a moment. "I'd better focus. I know that what happened to your hair is related to the meteor rocks. I wish I had my laptop so I could do some digging..."  
  
Kathryn fixed the future reporter with her infamous Stony Glare. Anyone on the receiving end of such a look was required to turn into a statue, otherwise Paramount would force them to appear as a masked villain who tries to seduce Chakotay the next week.. "Get. Off. My. Ship," she growled, praying the Transformation would hold off and she'd keep her human form for a few more seconds. *The last thing I want is to turn into--that COFFEE STEALING (bleep)!*  
  
As she watched, Chloe sucked down the brew in the never-ending cup. She looked up, satisfied. "Caffeine! Now I can go find Pete and convince him to be my man-slave." She skipped toward the door just as Kathryn fully changed into Medusa.  
  
"Wow!" Chloe yelped. "There is definitely meteor influence here. I really wish I had my laptop to do some research!"  
  
Medusa/Janeway's eyes grew wide. "You don't think I'm scary?"  
  
"No," the reporter returned with a grin. "I think you're cool. Will you kill Lana, just like all the other psychopaths try to do?"  
  
Medusa slowly morphed back into her human counterpart. "I'm not allowed to kill anyone; my contract with Paramount will be cut off. It's depressing, 'cause I'm *this close* to throwing Neelix out an airlock. And I'm not allowed to date either; I'm lonely!" She wiped a tear from her eye.  
  
"Me too," the blonde girl muttered. "I'm supposed to stay single and be the Single, Powerful Chick role model. I just wanna be loved!"  
  
The crying females hugged.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Lana Lame, er again, *Lang* gripped Whitless's arm tightly, wondering what she and her boyfriend were doing on a spaceship, instead of the Fairy Princess World they always visited in her dreams. "Save me, you big, strong jock. I'm ditzy and scared; just like I was when my parents were killed by that gigantic meteor!"  
  
Whitless paused dramatically and said, using his best William Shatner voice, "Don't worry. You. Annoying little. Bimbo I will. Protect. You." He let her go and stepped into the darkness.  
  
"You there!" a raging female voice shouted suddenly, making Whitless freeze in terror and pee his pants. B'Elanna Torres--the ship's half-Klingon, anal retentive engineer and the poster child for Anger Management courses--came out of the darkness. She sneered, making Whitless back against the nearest bulkhead.  
  
"*Don't kill Whitney*!" Lana tearfully begged. "Then I'll have no one to listen when I whine about how Mommy and Daddy's death turned me into an ungrateful, pathetic, codependent brat!"  
  
"You shut up!" B'Elanna hissed. "My parents are as good as dead anyway. You aren't the only one who can pity herself and become destructive because of that!" She had magically acquired a bat'leth during this time and turned it toward the shaking Lana. "I have schizophrenic tendencies, so don't do anything to piss me off, Prom Queen!"  
  
"D-did your parents die in a meteor crash too?" the frightened girl choked out between fake sobs. "I'm so cheap and pathetic! I hope big, strong Clark gets here soon so he can save my life and I can lead him on."  
  
There was a flash of metal and the weapon was against the girl's neck. "My parents aren't really dead, girl; but they might as well be. 'B'Elanna, I love you, but your mother is a real witch. I'm a scrawny little human and I can't handle living with a full-fledged Klingon woman!' Good riddance, Dad. I live with a scrawny, pathetic human, and we get along fine. I use him and he uses me." The metal scraped against Lana's cheek now, making her whimper. "Sound familiar?"  
  
"Lana!" someone yelled from behind them. Both females turned around as 'Lana' was Paris's pet name for his favorite bimbo.  
  
"Pete!" the younger one yelled back. "You're wasting your lines on poor pathetic me, aren't you?"  
  
The boy was at her side, knocking the weapon from B'Elanna's hand. "That's what is so great about this place! There's another righteous black man, and he gets as many lines as anyone else--sure he's an alien with pointy ears, but I still get to have more lines, as long as we're here." The grin on his face faded as he grew serious. "I must save you, Lana. Granted, I don't want to because then I'll have to marry you and all; boy do I dread that. But if I let you die, Clark will get all morose on me, and I can't handle that."  
  
Lana wrinkled her nose as Pete lifted her up. "He'll get all gross on you? Eww."  
  
Rolling his eyes and grunting, he staggered toward the door. "Wow, Lana; Clark makes carrying you look so easy. That's what I get for warming the bench during football season."  
  
They left Engineering and Pete set her down on the floor once again. She smiled sweetly then gasped. "Where's my wussy boyfriend? He can't stay in there by himself! He'll get killed."  
  
Pete patted her on the shoulder. "Sometimes you just gotta let go. Fordman served his purpose--which was to be an obstacle between you and Clark. Now that Lex kissed Clark, the farm boy has no use for your airhead, cheap self."  
  
She pouted and crossed her arms. "Why are you being mean to me? My mommy and daddy were flattened by a honking-big chunk of green rock! I don't deserve this; I'm fragile!" After a second, she added, "Lex kissed Clark, and I missed it? Dang."  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Freddy leered down at the ship and rubbed his burnt hands together, making himself wince. "You're brilliant, Q. I'm impressed."  
  
The alien smirked and floated until he was standing above Freddy. "You should be. Wait until you see what I have in store now."  
  
* * * * * *  
  
M.B. strided down the empty corridor, shouting on the cell phone that was permanently attached to his ear. "You should have handled that months ago. Did my good-for-nothing son tell you to say that? I'm disappointed in Lex." He was so caught up in his conversation that he bumped into Nasty Nell who was rounding the corridor.  
  
"Watch where you're going, M.B. I dated Bo Kent, and that makes me a good person."  
  
M.B. furrowed his brow and then grabbed her. They proceeded to make out against a bulkhead when Harry Kim came out of nowhere. He stopped in front of the pair and gasped. "Wow. I've got to learn to talk to chicks."  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Clark blinked furiously as Seven of Nine approached him. "You're hot," he announced, drooling. Other than when he pulled the naked Victoria Hardwick from the bathtub, Seven was the closest he'd ever--and ever would--come to a naked woman. (His future wife doesn't count since he'll be too busy saving the world to remember that he's even married.)  
  
"Physical attractiveness is irrelevant," she replied flatly. "I am willing to explore my humanity. Take off your clothes."  
  
Clark turned his eyes to the ceiling, thinking. "You aren't Lana." He paused. "Lana. What did I ever see in her, anyway? All she ever does is whine about how her parents were turned into mush by the meteors I rode to get here! Blast, it's my fault, but for once I'm glad the Langs are dead. If they were any bit as pitiful and brainless as their daughter--where's Lex?" He marched toward the turbolift.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Chloe passed the mug back to Kathryn and slumped down farther against the wall of the captain's quarters. "I mean, I try to be a good reporter, right? I might be in obsessive love with my prepubescent best friend, but is that so wrong?" She wiped away a tear and accepted the mug again, downing a huge mouthful of bitter coffee. "So maybe I ignore him and Pete sometimes, but it's my job. And Clark's only got eyes for Lana or Lex or the latest meteor rock mutant; I can never tell anymore. And Pete, well, he never gets to say much. I wish I knew what was going on in his head."  
  
The captain slipped an arm around the girl's shoulders in a hug. She was sobbing as well. "Of course you're a good person. You're doing what you need to do. Who needs men?" She sipped some coffee gratefully. "I have a job to do on this ship, but I get lonely too! Doesn't Chakotay get that? I hate my hair; what was I thinking when I cut it? No wonder he won't look at me!"  
  
"I'm swearing off men for good this time!" Chloe announced defiantly, her words slurred from the onset of caffeine.  
  
"I hear you, sister."  
  
The women high-fived then left the office, arms around each other's waists.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Tom sipped the alcohol then passed the bottle to Lex. They were hanging out in the former's Grease Monkey program but, instead of drooling over all the cars, they were participating in that bizarre ritual known as 'male bonding'.  
  
"My father," Lex choked out between gulps, "thinks I'm a freak because the meteor shower made me bald."  
  
Tom wasn't sobbing--he was too manly for that. "You know Clark was to blame for that. But you aren't supposed to know that until you turn evil and try to kill him."  
  
Lex gagged. "K-kill him? I could never kill Clark! He's the only one who loves me, even though Dad thinks I'm a royal screw-up. I don't wanna run LuthorCorp! I wanna take Clark and one of my billion pretentious, pointless vehicles and drive to Metropolis. I'll take over whatever Bruce Wayne owns and rule with my little mistr--I mean, my sidekick, Clark."  
  
Tom took another gulp of alcohol. "My father thinks I'm a screw-up because I defied him; because I lied about killing somebody."  
  
The bald man was shocked. "I do that all the time!"  
  
"I think your dad and my dad should get together and go bowling," Tom drawled.  
  
Lex gaped. "The Breakfast Club! Wow, I love that movie! How do you know about that?"  
  
The pilot grinned. "I'm the Fort Knox of secrets. Don't you love the part where Judd Nelson finally makes out with Molly Ringwald? It's like a match made in Heaven."  
  
Lex sighed, a goofy smile on his face. "Yeah. And I *love* the part where Ally Sheedy comes out of the room after her makeover and Emilio Estevez stares at her. I bawl my eyes out every time."  
  
Tom nodded in agreement, pulled his new friend to his feet, and started for the holodeck door. "Have you ever seen 'Sixteen Candles'?"  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Clark had given up his search for Lex and retreated to the bridge, where he found everyone else. He smiled when he saw Chloe and Janeway talking animatedly, Lex and Tom hugging, and Pete, Lana, and B'Elanna discussing something intensely. Whitless was nowhere to be found, but no one cared enough to miss him. He heard someone whisper that M.B. and Nasty Nell were 'shacked up' somewhere, but he didn't know what that meant; he was too embarrassed to ask anyone, though. He thought his mommy would be able to tell him when he got home.  
  
"Citizens of Smallville and Voyager!" A man in twentieth-century judges' robes and a burned man in a ragged, green and red sweater magically appeared in front of the group. "I am Q, and this is Freddy. I hope you enjoyed the little game we played with you."  
  
Kathryn glowered. "Q, you moron. Why don't you bring me flowers anymore?"  
  
Something occurred to Chloe and she squealed. "That's Freddy Krueger! He's from the 'Nightmare on Elm Street' series!" She yanked out her notebook again. "Mr. Krueger, why did you stop making movies?"  
  
The villain rolled his eyes, exasperated. "I couldn't stand Heather Langenkamp's whining about how much she loved 'Robert Englund'. She seemed to think he was my alter ego, but come on; I have enough dignity to play myself on screen, thank you very much Just because I let him play 'Nice Freddy' in Wes Craven's New Nightmare--the only other good one in the series--everybody thinks he's always been me."  
  
Chloe scribbled something quickly. Peeking over her shoulder, Kathryn saw the words, 'Sexy Lexy is hotter than my Clark Bar.' The reporter glanced up again and prepared to ask another question. "Any truth to the rumors that you're going to battle Jason Voorhees from the 'Friday the 13th' series?"  
  
"ARG!" Freddy yelled. "How many poser-reporters are going to ask me that?" He sighed dramatically. "I am not going to battle Jason; Robert's going to be doing that. There's no way I'm going to let those cretins behind *Enterprise*, Brannon Braga and Ron Moore, tarnish my reputation with that trashy film concept. Jason was like a brother to me, and I could never fight him."  
  
"'cause you know he'd win," Q said through a cough. "Don't look at me like that, Burn Face. Everybody stopped talking to me, so I had to do something."  
  
"I know how you feel," Lana quipped, forcing Q to give her his own version of the Stony Glare. Little did he know that his intended victim was an android; programmed to repeat the same basic phrases over and over again: 'I'm so pathetic'; 'My parents were killed by a meteor'; 'I'm brainless'; 'My boyfriend is a jock' and 'Clark's just a friend'.  
  
"As I was saying," the omnipotent being boomed, finally making everyone look at him again. "I hope you liked our little game. How's this for the Grand Finale?"  
  
The Starfleet officers and the residents of the quaint Kansas town turned and gawked at the view screen. As they stared, a giant meteor came closer and closer to the starship! "A meteor!" Harry Kim yelped, delivering his only other line.  
  
"A meteor!" Lana fainted to the ground.  
  
The EMH made his usual cameo appearance, bending down and checking the girl's pulse. "I'm afraid she's slipped into shock, She might be in a coma for weeks." His grave expression was lifted as his own words sunk in. "I didn't know her, but am I glad she's gone!"  
  
After a surprised pause, the others joined in the cheering, hugging and laughing. Kathryn gave Q a passionate kiss on the lips, and Chloe threw her arms around Freddy--she swore off men, not dead meanies. "You're amazing, Q," Kathryn declared.  
  
Pete, fully enjoying his newfound, verbal freedom, clasped Q's hand. "Man, I've gotta thank you for saving me from years of torment."  
  
While the celebrating went on, Whitless came out of the faint that no one noticed he'd slipped into. "There's a meteor comin'-" he drawled, giving his customary 'state-the-obvious' line. Then came the impact---  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Whitless bolted upright in bed, drenched in sweat. "What a nightmare! No one cared that I'm a jock, or that my parents force me to actually do work in their store every afternoon. No one paid any attention to me!"  
  
He raked his hands through his blond locks. "At least I still have my hair, unlike Luthor. That dream was Hell," he muttered.  
  
"Maybe because you were in Hell!" Q whispered into Whitless's ear before disappearing.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Freddy faced his alien companion. "You made it a happy ending! Nobody but the ditzy chick passed out. What is with *that*? Nothing good happened to any of the characters anyone cares about--for example, no one got their innards cut out. You suck at this stuff."  
  
Q leered. "Of course nothing good happened; you're still in Hell."  
  
Freddy let out a blood-curling scream as he was dropped back into the dreaded preschool setting.  
  
"Mishtur Krueger, read me a shtory." He continued to scream as one of the children glanced up at him to reveal that she was--Lana Lang.  
  
"Nooooo!!!"  
  
FINIS  
  
****** 


	2. DS9

Couple(s): Anything's fair game in this one--expect some references to slash.  
  
Rating: PG-13 for the word, 'damn' and the phrase, 'bloody heck'.  
  
Disclaimer: 'Smallville', all related characters, and references belong to Gough/Millar Inks, the WB, and DC comics; DS9 is the baby of Rick Berman et al, and Gene Roddenberry; Freddy Krueger and ANOES belong to the underrated genius, Wes Craven; Pinhead is the brainchild of the incomparable Clive Barker. I borrowed lines from both TV shows.  
  
Author's Note to all 'Smallville' fans: I love the characters dearly--with the exception of a certain British bimbo who is truly repulsive--but they get a little out of hand sometimes; I mean them no harm. (*hugs Pete*)  
  
Author's Note to all DS9 fans: Similar to the one above, except I truly do love everyone on the show. I really don't want to hurt or traumatize them. Really. (*hugs Jake*) Enjoy.  
  
General Note: This one was a little harder to write--I hope it doesn't suck.  
  
Star Trek: The Smallville Nightmare Part Two  
  
* * * * *  
  
Q found him in much the same position he'd been in last time; bending over and putting toys away, while his class had a raucous paste fight behind him. Without his infamous knife-glove, Freddy Krueger looked just like every other dead, dream-invading, fedora-wearing, burnt stalker that was condemned to a life of teaching whiney brats in Hell's nursery school.  
  
"Krueger. Delighted to see you again." Q boomed, opting, this time, for a Starfleet admiral's uniform--no relation, by the way, to the sports team.  
  
The unwilling teacher glanced upward, wrinkled his nose in distaste. "You again. Unless you promise I can horrify those teens in their dreams this time, I'm not interested."  
  
Q folded his arms across his rustling robes, staring down at the retired villain. "What? I thought you *liked* getting away from here." Spreading his arms out to encompass the surrounding room, he caused all the screaming children to freeze, then smirked proudly. "That was so annoying. How do you put up with it, Krueger?"  
  
Freddy chucked a rag doll at the omnipotent alien to keep from throwing a hissy fit. "*Shut up*! Just shut up. It's bad enough that I have to *share* with these cretins--" he jabbed a scarred finger at the child-statues, "but I have to answer to Pinhead and the Cenobites. Do you know how freaky Pinhead is? Ick. If he says that he'll tear my soul apart one more time, I swear I'll be as evil as I possibly can be without my knives." He shuddered and flexed his bladeless fingers. "I'll go with you; where are we headed?"  
  
Q rubbed his hands together in maniacal delight. "Exceeeeellent. We're taking our favorite teens and their various PUs to a little space station called Deep Space Nine."  
  
Fred, situating his fedora back on his head, appeared confused. "'PUs'? They're not smelly, are they? Because if they are--"  
  
Q threw his hands in their air and sighed in a very Shatner-esque manner. "That stands for 'Parental Units', you idiot. Where *have* you been for the last five years?"  
  
"In Hell," was his companion's casual response.  
  
The alien snapped his fingers again and the room, children and all, disappeared. Once again, the pair found themselves floating in outer space. "Are you going to be able to handle it this time? It's just air, after all."  
  
Though Fred was about to make a big deal about floating, as he had done before, he bit what was left of his lower lip to stop himself. "Of bloody course I can handle it. What, am I two now?"  
  
Q sneered. "That can be arranged."  
  
"I have a feeling this trip is going to be Hell all over again..." Freddy muttered to himself as his fellow troublemaker paved the way to DS9.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Bo--known to his family and friends as 'Jonathan'--Kent hated Luthors; he hated them so much, in fact, that "I'll say it one more time, and then I'll print up bumper stickers: this is not a date! Er, I hate Luthors!"  
  
After a particularly disturbing encounter with one--Lex had visited Bo when the latter was in a coma--he hated them more than ever. He didn't know why, if he'd ever known, what caused his allergic reaction to that family; all he knew was that M.B., Lex, Lillian, and anyone else we haven't been exposed to yet needed to be banished to Htrae!  
  
He snuggled up next to his lovely wife, Martha--known to some as 'Lana' or 'Ma Kent'--and settled in for a long winter's nap. I mean, a good night's sleep.  
  
Or so he thought.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Clark, I want you to know that I love you, whether or not you can go ten minutes without showing off. Okay?" Martha said to her son, hugging him fiercely.  
  
"Mu-*ohm*," Clark Bar whined, pushing her away as he glanced around them, making sure no one in the crowded corridor noticed the PDA. "Can't we go one day without you embarrassing me in front of my friends? Besides, I'm only going to find out where we are; not put on a suit and fly to the Daily Planet building."  
  
Martha chuckled. "You can't fly, Clark."  
  
"I'm glad, otherwise I'd have to add you to the Wall--which, I might add, I can't go one episode without mentioning at least once." Chloe 'I'm going to turn into Lois Lane' Sullivan bounced over, looking like she'd just drunk every drop of cappuccino on the entire planet, then gone back for lattes. "I was talking to Dr. Bashir over in sickbay. He replaced my blood with coffee--cream and sugar included--so I don't have to buy stock in the Beanery when we get home!"  
  
Martha knelt down and took the blonde girl's hand. "Chloe-dear, can you tell Martha why we're in this big, scary place?"  
  
Chloe shook her head rapidly. "Nuh-uh. I know it has something to do with the meteor shower though! If only I had my laptop so I could do some digging!"  
  
"What are you going to research now, Miss Sullivan? I'm sure I can exploit my connections or sleep with some bimbo to help you. It's the least I can do to make up for signing an agreement with Miss Lang." Lex Luthor--known to most as 'Sexy Lexy', 'the bald dude who looks hot in drag', or 'Jack'--approached the group, his cellphone super-glued to his ear once again.  
  
Lois/Chloe grinned at the newcomer. "You'd exploit yourself for me, Lex? I know I'm not supposed to like you, but you're really hot."  
  
Clark Bar crossed his arms and gave his 'I know I'm gorgeous, and I need a hug' pout. "I thought I was your Clark Bar! Chloeeee, don't be mean!" He stomped his foot, leaving a dent in the floor of DS9's Promenade.  
  
Out of the blue appeared Bo Kent. With him was a short, stocky alien with humongous ears. When Bo noticed who was standing with his son, he turned an attractive shade of blue and, looking very much like a Bolian, started scratching his arm rapidly. "Blasted Luthor-induced rash," he muttered.  
  
"Hi, Bo," Chloe said cheerfully, pointing to the alien. "Puh-leaze tell me that's a meteor mutant! I need to piss off Principal Kwan again with another far-fetched theory."  
  
Bo motioned to his companion. "This is Quark. I was at his bar, getting really drunk so I didn't have to deal with-" he coughed-"Luthors. He's from Ferenginar where the women don't wear clothes and can't hold jobs. That's the perfect place for me to live, since I'm secretly an old- fashioned farmer who thinks women should stay inside and cook for their men." He puffed out his chest as Martha made gooey eyes at him.  
  
"I hope he marries me," she whispered.  
  
Clark Bar nudged her in the side. "Mom, you guys are already married."  
  
"Do you think he knows I'm the class note taker, and I don't really need to borrow his notes? I just really hope he marries me, and that was the only thing I could think of to say!" She covered her face with her hands and scurried off, nearly bumping into a young woman with spots running down her neck.  
  
"Hi!" the dark-haired woman chirped. "My name's Curzon. I mean, Jadzia. I mean, Emony. *Ezri*! My name is Ezri Tigan. I mean, Dax! Ezri DAX!" She made a face and held out her hand to Lex, avoiding his eyes. "You look like my ten thousandth host's former psych professor. Because of that, I can't even look at you."  
  
Jack/Sexy Lexy smirked and shook the offered hand. "That's too bad because I'm sure you could help me scrounge up some info for Chloe; that way she'll continue to drool over me in secret." It was his turn to appear full of himself, something that's not too hard for him to do in the first place.  
  
Since no one in Smallville ever actually does anything other than stand around and chat about the dire circumstances in which they always manage to find themselves, none of them remembered that Clark had been planning to investigate where they were.  
  
"Yeah, well," the confused Trill--that was redundant, sorry-- continued. "I'm dating Julian Bashir right now, so anything that happened between us would have to be strictly business. Do you know that my boyfriend is genetically enhanced, and thus is so much better than any other guy to ever exist? He can do long division *in his head*!"  
  
Suddenly, Victoria 'Boobs McChesty' Hardwick slithered over--as citizens of Smallville just magically come out of nowhere--and gave Sexy Lexy a backwards hug. "*Everything* is 'just business'. Right, Lex?" she purred.  
  
He shoved her away, into Bo's arms. "You *still* call sleeping with me business? You really *are* a whore! You've got it wrong, anyway: sleeping with me is fun; sleeping with my magnificent bastard of a father is business. What you did with him is just gross."  
  
Clark Bar's eyes grew wide as he sucked in his breath. He tugged on the sleeve of Bo's flannel shirt. "Daddy, what's a 'whore'?"  
  
Rolling his eyes, exasperated, Bo knelt next to his son. "Luthors are whores, Clark."  
  
M.B., who always appears when the word 'whore' is uttered three times in a row, (not unlike Earl Jenkins...I mean Kurn...I mean Candyman) clapped a hand on Bo's shoulder. "Bo, tell your son to stop checking out mine. Lex isn't gay, damnit!" He turned to his heir, and only son. "Lex, I'm disappointed in you."  
  
Sexy Lexy frowned. "Why? Is it because I'm bald? You can't handle that I'm so much hotter than you'll ever be."  
  
M.B. shrugged and possessively grabbed Miss 'It's just business' from Bo. "I don't know why you disappointed me; I only know that, if I don't say that to you at least once a day, my contract will run out. I'll be condemned to a lifetime of awful 'Batman' sequels! I can't *take* it!" He also ran off sobbing, leaving the poster child for breast implants to pout.  
  
Quark was busy making a face at Chloe, who was scrawling something in the wirebound notebook she can conjure out of thin air whenever she needs it. "You Hewmons let your women wear clothes, and you wonder why they get all annoying with their *questions* and their *theories*," the Ferengi sneered.  
  
Bo, who until that moment had been daydreaming about the days when his contract let him drive really fast and get chicks, spoke up. "No, Quark; you're talking about reporters in general, not only women."  
  
The resident female reporter nodded. "Duke's got it right; can I quote you on that for next week's Torch, Bo?"  
  
He frowned. "Bo? Duke? Torch? I've *got* to get out of here before this blasted rash causes me to spontaneously combust or something!" It was his turn to scurry off. He plowed through the growing crowd and was punched by a woman with ridges on her nose and a long, dangly earring on her right ear lobe.  
  
"Watch it!" she hissed, crossing her arms over her chest when she reached the group. "Who are you, and what are you doing on my station? QUARK! Do *you* have something to do with this?"  
  
The Ferengi winced as she shrieked. "Why do you always blame me? You're not even a Hew-mon!"  
  
"I know the feeling," Jack/Lex whispered.  
  
"Shut up! Get off my station," the woman continued sharply.  
  
Deciding to get revenge, Quark leered up at her. "*Your* station, Major?"  
  
Her hand reached out and snatched at one of his ears, gripping it tightly. "Be quiet, you overgrown rodent. The Sisko is on *Risa* with his *wife*. *I* should be there with my gelatinous lover, but *noooo*; I have to deal with you and these *people*."  
  
Chloe dug through her pockets and held out a pill bottle. "Midol?"  
  
"Grrr! Why is your hair so much better than mine?" With that, she spun on her dangerously high heel and stormed off.  
  
Chloe's eyes glittered, and she squealed. "Meteor rock influence!" It was her turn to scurry off, leaving Clark, Boobs, Lex, and Quark to stare at each other.  
  
"Arglefluffle," Boobs muttered, then walked into the mysterious void known as The Other Half of the Promenade.  
  
******  
  
Pete Ross was in awe; not only was there an African-American guy on DS9, but he had lines! "Um, hi. My name's Pete."  
  
The older boy looked up from the tiny table in Quark's Bar, and smiled. "Jake Sisko, Army Brat and Wanna-be Reporter. Have a seat, Pete."  
  
Pete did so, gawking. "I wish I had lines, like you."  
  
A sage look. "My man, you just wait; you'll get a subplot before you know it. I can put in a good word for you with The Powers That Be, if you want."  
  
Grinning, Pete bounced slightly in the seat. "Man, that would be awesome! Can you get me a steady girl, too?"  
  
Jake frowned, leaned back. "Hey, even I haven't been that lucky. Sucks, doesn't it?"  
  
Pete agreed whole-heartedly. "I'm secretly in love with my chick best friend, but she's in love with our other best friend, Clark. Just once I want some attention!"  
  
"Pete, you're suffering from Side-Kick Syndrome; happens to the best of us. What you need to do," Jake gesticulated before continuing, "is grab the girl and kiss her; from what I've seen, she's suffering from a similar condition: the Token Girl syndrome. Clark will never be allowed to be with her, because that would screw up the whole, 'unrequited love/friendship' business.  
  
"In other words," Jake went on, "she's lonely, you're lonely...."  
  
Pete cheered. "So I should kiss her!"  
  
Sisko's lovely son grinned. "You bet. Good luck, my man." The pair stood, did that combination handshake-body slam thing so common among men, and went their separate ways--Jake to go do whatever it is cast members do when not on-screen, and Pete to find Chloe.  
  
******  
  
Freddy wiped a tear from his eye and sniffled. "That was great. I can't believe you made me cry!"  
  
Smirking, Q lowered himself onto a nearby planet. "You know, I decided to cut the kid a break. Even *I* have a heart."  
  
"Is he going to kiss her?" Freddy asked, unable to stifle his delight.  
  
"I'll neeeever teeeelllll...."  
  
******  
  
Everyone somehow congregated in sickbay. Foppish Doctor--known as 'Julian Bashir' to most--eyed the crowd quizzically. "Hello," he greeted them in his heavy, fake British accent.  
  
"Hi," Chloe, Martha, Bo, Boobs, Clark, and MB called back from their various perches; most were seated on metal biobeds, though Lex was behind Foppish Doctor's desk.  
  
"Yo," Lex shot back after a minute. He was digging through a desk drawer frantically. "I'm looking for more info on the meteor shower; there must be some *somewhere*!"  
  
Sensing she was needed, Chloe scrambled over. The two bent their heads together and whispered about mutants and the Wall. FD watched curiously then, since he never does anything but stand around and wait for tragedy to strike him, he shrugged and went back to playing make-believe with Kukalaka.  
  
"Hey," Clark Bar spoke up after rebuffing Martha's attempts to hug him, "anyone seen Lana or her posable action figure boyfriend?"  
  
"You know, Clark," Chloe shot back while staring longingly at Lex, "you can either sit in your loft and play with your telescope, or move on."  
  
"It was just a question!"  
  
Then Pete rushed in, out of breath; he'd run all the way from Quark's, and after warming the bench all season-- "Chloe," he said quickly, "come here."  
  
Tearing herself away from Lex--who was smirking proudly--Chloe wandered to her friend. "If you throw that rubber spider at me one more time, I'm going for my staple gun."  
  
He grabbed her shoulders and gave her a long kiss.  
  
******  
  
"Yay!" Freddy squealed.  
  
"Happy now?" Q rolled his eyes. "Finally something interesting can happen."  
  
******  
  
Bo wasn't at all happy; no one was paying attention to him! He decided it was time for a platitude. "'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'," he announced, upon seeing the expressions of sadness on Clark's face; Bo's big, beautiful, possibly gay son was in obvious lust with his female best friend; who was, in turn, in lust with every other teen--or twenty-one year old billionaire--in Smallville.  
  
"Dad, I'm not a woman," Clark snapped.  
  
"Oh, right. I always forget."  
  
MB had, apparently, had enough of Bo's cheese; he lunged off his biobed and pounced on the elder Kent. "Shut UP with your PLATitudes, Kent! 'Hell hath no fury...', this; 'life is about change; sometimes it's beautiful, sometimes it's painful, but most of the time it's both', that!"  
  
"Actually, it was Lana's deceased mother who said that," Martha spoke up helpfully. She didn't really care that her husband was getting the crap beaten out of him; he had never done anything for her or their big, beautiful, possibly gay son. She no longer cared if he discovered that she, in fact, didn't need his notes.  
  
The last statement got the attention of Pete--who had finished kissing Chloe and was grinning: "Lana's parents are dead?"  
  
FD glanced up from his and Kukalaka's teaparty long enough to snark, "I'm from the twenty-fourth century, and even *I* know her parents were smooshed by a huge meteor!"  
  
Chloe grinned at Pete and sighed. "Let's go somewhere else, Pete."  
  
*YES!* he thought to himself, smirking at his male best friend. *I got the girl and you didn't! Nyah, nyah!* "Sounds good to me, Clo." They strolled out of sickbay, hand in hand.  
  
The two men on the floor grunted dramatically and continued to pummel each other, though no one seemed to care; Martha smiled at everyone, Boobs tried to pick up FD, Clark twiddled his thumbs, and FD held a conversation with Kukalaka's invisible sister.  
  
"Today is a good day to die, Kent!" MB shouted, twisting Bo's arm backward and straddling his middle.  
  
"Revenge is a dish best served cold!" was the garbled response. Recalling the days when he evaded Boss Hogg, Bo flipped MB off of him. *Tom Wopat be proud!* The pair crashed into an examining table, knocking a ceramic tray of pink tea cups on the floor.  
  
"*Hey!*" FD shrieked, "you broke our cups!"  
  
Noticing that her mothering abilities were needed, Martha went to comfort him.  
  
"Dad, watch it!" Lex ordered when MB bumped into his son's feet. "These shoes are *new*!" He punctuated the point with a solid kick to Bo's head. "Oh, sorry, Mister Kent; I was aiming for Dad, but I guess you deserved that." With a shrug, he left to find food.  
  
"I'm *bored*!" Clark insisted, crossing his arms over his chest and pouting. "Somebody talk to me! It's my show, after all!"  
  
Boobs slithered over to his side, subtly adjusted her breasts; the silicone implants were threatening to burst. She figured out that if he had his own show, that meant he was rich and powerful... "Poor boy," she purred. Then her mouth covered his in a passionate kiss.  
  
"COOTIES!" Clark screamed, shoving her away.  
  
Insulted, she stalked off in search of a man who would appreciate her for what she was: a bimbo with a fake British accent, plastic breasts, and such a lack of talent that she made Lana look like an Oscar-caliber performer.  
  
Back to the homoerotic struggle on the floor: MB was pummeling Bo with his fists gleefully; Lex's kick had all-but knocked the latter out. "You're...good," Bo slurred.  
  
"The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy. Take THAT!"  
  
"*Glurk*" Bo slipped out of consciousness just as FD stopped crying.  
  
******  
  
"AHHHHH!" Bo screamed, bolting upright in bed. It was all a dream; everything was as it should have been: his loyal wife was sleeping beside him, most likely dreaming of the meals she'd make him; his big, beautiful, possibly gay son was asleep in his loft, most likely dreaming of all the people he'd save; the cows were asleep in their pasture, most likely dreaming of Bo's next fascinating conversation.  
  
Martha's pretty laughter floated through the bedroom door. Confused, he plodded to the living room in his flowered boxer shorts. "Poor Julian," she was saying, setting a plate of fresh-baked cookies in front of.....FD!  
  
*She never bakes for anyone but me. Me and me alone!* He stormed over, ready to set her straight, when FD smiled at him.  
  
"Hullo. This is a lovely place you have here. Your son is really quite buff; I'm impressed." His long lashes fluttered foppishly.  
  
"CLARK ISN'T GAY!" Bo bellowed.  
  
"If you say so..." FD replied.  
  
Clark and Lex walked into the room, laughing.  
  
"NOOOOO!!!!!!"  
  
******  
  
Freddy blinked as best he could; since he was lacking eyelids and all. "What the hell? You made Clark gay!"  
  
Q, awfully proud of his genius, steepled his fingers. "Nah, not necessarily; Bo just thinks that's what he saw. Besides, the world may never know for sure what the status of Clark and Lex's friendship is; friends laugh together all the time. Look at Harry Kim and Tom Paris on Voyager."  
  
This made the monster smirk. "That was a horrible example."  
  
A pause. The alien cackled. "That was so brilliant that I'm going to make you my new sidekick; we'll get you out of Hell permanently. Come on."  
  
The prospect of getting out of the preschool forever was baffling. "Where are we going now?"  
  
"All good things, my friend...." Q said cryptically. Accepting this as an answer, Freddy followed his partner in crime toward Earth. 


End file.
